Friday, June 28, 2013

Bittersweet

Fireblossom challenged us to write a poem about loss.  This one came fast n' furious in  and I went with it.  I lost my first child and gave birth to disease.  I became Type 1 diabetic, during my first pregnancy.    I needed to face it, so I was told.   When they tell you-you are diabetic they give you an orange and a syringe to practice on.  I took care of myself and ended up having two healthy children-my life is sweet most days~




 

BITTERSWEET


Face it freak
seaweed sticks, an orange, a syringue
gave birth to disease
lost dreams
sucked out my 
S
o
u
l
People fear me
prick, poke and stick
my riddles
UniqUe
babies cry 
I curl into fetal position
I'll never know her
how will I cope?

parties suck
celebratory display
paraded on a paper plate
orgasmic sounds
mmmmh, strawberry
oooooh, chocolate
so goooooooood
lit by candles
you watch
like a clone
my dark black curtain falls 
I ride riddles like waves
why?
break out in a showered sweat
my new world
not pink and pretty
clinical and filled
with prick,poke, stick
no cure
all ifs


my world tilted flooded with 
bitter blood orange memories
 salt flows inside n' out
cope-everyone says
cope
not hope
lost my pretty, pink girl
my sweet cherub
lost my
h
o
p
e


© Ellen Wilson






44 comments:

  1. Ella, what a poem, what an outcry against the injustice of losing a child! Your final lines brought tears to my eyes, and these lines:

    cope-everyone says
    cope
    not hope

    I have only awe for the endurance of women.

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  2. This is heartbreaking, Ella. It's infuriating when people tell you to "get over it." You never get over some things.

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    1. YOU said just how I feel...you never get over it! Time lessens the pain, but it is there, just not as sharp. I am fortunate to have two children-so I embraced moving on!

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  3. Oh...my heart is breaking with that last portion, Ella...so sad and so sorry my friend. You've written this with such an authentic and touching voice. Thank you for your honesty and your courage. ♥

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    1. Thanks Hannah-it was a rough time in my life. I went home to a sil with a baby. Some people were sensitive and others thought I should get over it. You don't get over death...you cope!

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  4. thank you for sharing your loss. It is a brave thing to capture pain on the page, and your bravery burns brightly here. Viva la...

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    1. Thanks Izy! It was years ago, but the pain still burns bright when I remember~ Life n' death are like that. We remember the highs n' lows~

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  5. You have so done this, as Izy says "captured pain on a page". Tears for me, too, at your final stanza: that pretty pink girl. Beautiful, poignant, heartbreaking, moving writing, Ellie. Wow.

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    1. It was life altering on many levels and the next pregnancy was fearful every day. Thank Sherry

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  6. Oh, Ella. This is so raw and real, and it's a loss that I can't even imagine.

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    1. No one should know the loss of a child. I didn't know mine-she was five months in vitro, but we put faith in this miracle!

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  7. This is so painful Ella. The agony of loss reaches from your words to my heart. I simply can't say I know how you feel.

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    1. It is rare to have your first pregnancy go so wrong. I almost died and my baby did. The high blood sugar was the reason. I didn't know I had it. I kept going to the doctor-they took my blood and said they would call me. Then my blood work was lost-it took 3 hrs to diagnose me. Pregnancy and diabetic symptoms over lap. I was in a hospital for three weeks.

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  8. Ella, I cannot imagine anything harder than this. Your words definitely strike a chord.

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    1. It was hard and scarred me a bit, but I found a way to cope.

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  9. Replies
    1. I think my fate would of been different if I didn't live on an isolated island. I was on Adak Island in Alaska, at the time.
      Thank you~

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  10. Kerry I hit reply under your name several times, it won't work. Thank you! My doc dismissed sugar in my labs and waited for another test. I questioned it. The lab said it was fine. My doctor was near my bed when I woke crying. My husband was packing to fly me off the island to a military hospital in Anchorage, I remained there for three weeks. I was kicked off the island. The Navy would not allow me to go back-a new diabetic 1500 miles from the coastline of Alaska. They sent me back to Maine. All my labs went missing and I couldn't even see to fly home my vision had not returned. I was going to sue the Navy...lots of injustice in my story~

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  11. Did anyone actually say you have to cope? Whoever said that should be shot, and not with a syringe, either. With buckshot, in the backside. Damn, people can be insensitive.
    A beautiful poem of loss, Ella. I'm so glad you were able to have children afterward, a wonderful gift, but the loss doesn't go away.
    Love, K

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    1. Yes! Yes, I seem to attract the insensitive. I am too sensitive...
      Thank you!
      Yes, true a gift, but the loss does not go away. I will always wonder, if they caught it in time how different my life would be! (hugs)

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  12. Hi Ella. Then there are those probably well-meaning folk who tell you, oh you're young, you'll have more. And you look them in the eyes and wonder, is anyone in there? With that frozen half-smile on your face. And the sudden rages. Walking half in this world, and half in shadow. Time tempers it... but doesn't erase it. I'm glad for my two, since, as well. Peace ~ M

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    1. Yes, I suspect so. No one knows the future, so you just stare.
      Yes, walking in two worlds, until one path becomes filled with more light.

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  13. Wow heartbreaking...Last verse is so painful!!! I saw my sis go through it...in tears!!!

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    1. Sad...yes! I'm sorry for your sister-(hugs)

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  14. Ella, so much emotion in your words. I'm so sorry for the pain that you felt and your loss.

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  15. I'm so glad you are doing better, so sorry for your loss, but understand totally about needles and loss!

    Your poetry said it all!

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    1. Sorry you understand about needles n' loss! (hugs)

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  16. This is almost too painful to read, and you had to live it. Words fail me here, as they have on so many of the harrowing, honest poems that people did for this prompt. Thanks for sharing this with Toads, Ella. I know it couldn't have been easy to do.

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    1. I contemplated whether to share or not. Thanks FB for the challenge-it is important to share, so others know we aren't alone on our journey~ No, it wasn't easy~

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  17. Oh Ella, I'm so sorry about your little girl--I almost lost my second son--and have had lots of friends who miscarried; heartbreaking. A great flow of poetry, straight to the heart--happy for your healthy babies :-)

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    1. Hi SaraV
      I am sorry I haven't been around much
      Thank you~
      Yes, happy for health babies!!!

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  18. This breaks my heart, Ella... But I'm so glad you take care of yourself now and have been blessed with more children. This line really struck me: I ride riddles like waves.

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    1. Thank you Laurie
      We do have those waves~

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    1. Hi Vandana
      yes, it is suppose to be a joyous time

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  20. My heart is also broke for you.

    But your words have kept it beating.

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  21. A very moving poem, Ella, heartfelt and heart affecting with many strong images. So terribly sorry for your loss. Unimaginably sad. This is Karin of Manicddaily of wordpress. K.

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  22. The last few lines broke my heart!
    I am sorry!
    But how wonderful you are now blessed with 2 healthy children.

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    1. Hi Margie
      Thank you-yes we have to remind ourselves of the positive~

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